Pardon me while I dust off this section of the internet. It hasn't been used in a while.
7 solid months of weekly (sometimes bi-weekly) talk-therapy has taught me one crucially important thing: man, do I have some issues! It seems as though every week another layer of the problem is exposed, another faulty way of thinking to address, more ways I constantly bring myself down are discovered. I think Anne of Green Gables said it best when she dramatically proclaimed that she was "in the depths of despair." The Dude pokes and prods, persists relentlessly until he finds where the scars begin. 7 months and I'm not quite sure we've even chipped the surface yet.
Needless to say, Christmas is bumming me out. I didn't bother to put up a tree this year or any other sort of decorations. I have no desire to sing "fa la la la la la la la la" or spend my nights watching the old Christmas classics I usually watch every year. I can't think about New Year's Eve without bursting into tears (due to scar tissue recently clawed at during a session with The Dude last week. I find it hard to imagine New Year's Eve ever being a happy night for me); I think I'll have a NyQuil cocktail at around 8:30 and call it a year.
I write this unashamed. Those of you that know me outside the anonymity of the internet may find this surprising, some may not. Depression is an illness like any other, not a mood and part of the reason I got to the "depths of despair" was because I didn't talk about it. Not to anyone. Now I talk to everyone, hopefully communicating the serious of this illness. Depression, anxiety, and manic episodes occupy my life at the moment as it probably will in spurts for the rest of my life. Meds help. So does The Dude. I believe if I hadn't quit my job when I did and been sent for help by my mother, I wouldn't be alive today. I praise God for this every day.
I'll quit being a Debbie Downer for the moment, if I may, and report good news. I ran a 5k on December 6th, ran every step and finished with a respectable time (though far, far from what I'm capable of). I have my 1/2 marathon training plan all worked out and scheduled to begin on February 9th for the Capital City 1/2 on May 2nd. Until I begin the training schedule, I've been running between 15-20 miles per week, about 3 or 4 of those miles with my good friend Jackie. Jackie has set a goal of running a 5k on St. Patrick's Day weekend and she's just as determined as I am as far as race goals go.
Running and good friends also help.
7 comments:
I'm glad you are back. I check your blog to see how you are doing and I hope things are getting better. Depression impacts a lot of people and its good you are writing about it. Merry Christmas anyway. Peace.
Thanks Pete. And a merry Christmas to you as well.
Glad you're back! Missed you! Sounds like you've been running quite a lot with your 15-20mile weeks! Way to go! Best of luck with the 1/2 training plan, can't wait to hear all about it.
Hope your New Year is happy, Kate!
Good that you are getting back into the running, that will help! I have struggled with the same issues off and on for years. You will overcome :)
Hi Kate, don't get so down on yourself girl. Everybody has problems. Try not to push yourself so hard all the time, it works for me. Also, try running less, and let your body recover, you'll have more energy to deal with the problems. I push hard when I feel strong, but I relax to let energy build again. Try wasting a little time with a free online game. I love to play bubble shooter, cause it relaxes me, check it out. And don't obsess so much. Take life a little easier. Be happy. Love you.
Hi Kate, hope you are doing well and January went ok for you. Soon you'll be able to get out and run outside once all this ice melts! Hopefully this weekend. Peace.
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