The Comeback Kid

I'm horrified to realize that I haven't posted anything since the FIFTH of JULY. And here it is, the end of September. If anyone still stops by this dusty corner of the internet, I thank you 1000 times.

As I type this, I'm curled up in bed getting myself geared up for another quarter of classes. It's still dark outside and I'm wondering how it's possible the summer went by so quickly. But a good summer it was. After 4 months of intensive therapy and multiple drug combinations, I think I've found my happy medium. I haven't felt this good in years. Anxiety still wakes me in the night, still grabs me by the throat too often, however I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Someone once described depression as being like a tree covered in vines. The vines start at the base of the tree and continue up the trunk sometimes reaching so high and thick that the tree disappears and all anyone can see is the vines. I think I've managed to untangle my tree from some of those vines and I believe even some of my branches are showing. It feels glorious.

So glorious, in fact, that I've been running. Yes, that's right. Running. I'm taking it nice and slow, which is drastically different from how I usually try to get back in the game. I've been doing 2 minutes walking 2 minutes running and I feel like I could do that for hours.

I'm back.

Say hello to my Schweet Schwinn!

I took a much needed break last week from Bubble Shooter studying and ran some errands around town. I just so happened to drive by this tiny little antique store I'd never seen before. What caught my eye was this beauty lined up with some other duds in front of the store window.

I immediately swerved my car into a questionable parking spot to check it out. The store owner came out and suggested I take her for a spin around the block.

No sooner did my feet hit the pedals and I was in love.
The gear shift is a little tricky. I have to pull that lever down and hope I hit a gear because there's no markers for where the gears are. I've just kept it in 5th because I'm sorta afraid of it.

"I'll take it!!" I said as soon as I got back to the antique store. I loaded my new toy on my bike rack on my car and brought it home and got to work. I added new reflectors on the front and back wheels, a reflector on the back, a water bottle holder (this was tricky because there were no holes in the body of the bike where a water bottle holder would normally screw into so I found the one you see below in the kiddie section and just rigged it to fit), the luggage rack that fits over the back tire, and the ghetto fabulous crate that fits on top.

I still want to get a fun bell and a front reflector, oohhhh! and some streamers. How schweet would that be?


I've been riding this schweet schwinn everywhere and I LOVE it. I actually did some research on it and found out that it's a 1972 SUBURBAN and its worth about $5. It's probably had a paint job at one point and the breaks need a little tune up. Otherwise, it's in fantastic condition.

I obscenely overpaid and it bothers me a little that it shares the name with an SUV I hate and part of the city I avoid like the plague, but I still LOVE it. I laugh to myself when the SUV Suburbans pass me on the street and I think about how much gas I have not had to buy since I bought the bike.

Bubble Shooter; procrastination's most useful website.

I haven't been exercising nearly as much as I'd like but what with school and my new found addiction to Bubble Shooter I can't seem to find the time. However, I am biking to class every day, 30 minutes each way. My butt is killing me! Unfortunately, my body has gone flabby all over (yuck!) and I feel pretty gross for not running. I guess we can all assume the marathon and even probably the half is out of the question. I am thinking about volunteering anyway.


Speaking of school, I'm hoping to apply for the MFA program at Ohio State by the end of the year. Last week, I had to "audition" for an undergraduate creative non-fiction writing class that I want to take in the fall. I submitted some of my work to the Professor teaching the class (who also just happens to be one of the original founders of the MFA program as OSU) and her response was "You write pretty damn well and I would LOVE to have you in my class!"


Freaking sweet.

For Future refrence

My therapist = "The Dude" because I hate being one of those people that starts off conversations with "My therapist says..."
My psychiatrist = "My Dealer" because he gives me drugs.

I see both The Dude and my dealer on Tuesday with good things to report. I've been pretty active and involved in my own life this week. But there are so many variables its impossible to pinpoint which one has caused the turn around. Could it be I don't have to waste my days in that corporate soul-sucking fascist dictatorship of job? Could it be that the Wellbutrin is starting to work? Could it be the fact that I'm running again and practicing yoga and lifting weights and I have a bunch of endorphins shooting off all over the place? Could it be that I'm eating well and treating my body with respect?

In all probability, it could be all of the above.

While the depression seems to have lifted a little, the anxiety is still there. In the midst of my progress this week, a little voice in the back of my head is telling me it won't last; that it's a manic episode; that I'm facing another inevitable crash and it will be worse. I still can't sleep even though I'm on a pretty high dose of Ambien. I don't feel like I miss the sleep and am never tired (more like wound up, high strung) where as I used to sleep all day long. Ugg. The dude and I still need to work on that.

But, running, I am. Lifting weights and yoga take a little more effort to keep consistent with but I'm trying. I still haven't been able to run farther than 2.5 miles but I'm learning to be proud of myself for sticking with it.

Good Times, Bad Times, You know I've had my share

I did some internet searching while I was hibernating in my bed since Thursday. I read somewhere that exercise can help lessen the withdrawal symptoms of Cymbalta because exercise increases your metabolism, thus, helping move the drugs out of your system faster. Like we needed another reason to prove how good exercise is for us.

So, I exercised for 2.5 hours today.

I've been trying to run, but the brain zaps, the migraines, the lack of motivation and (not to mention) the heat wave we're experiencing has made it almost impossible. Almost.

Yesterday I ran .46 miles before I had to stop and lay down in the grass. Right on a main street and everything. I am awesome. I laid in the grass with tears running in my ears. Eventually, I pulled myself up and crawled home, crying all the way.

Today, I ran TWO AND A HALF MILES and I feel like a new person. It wasn't pretty by any means and I was super slow but I did it. Then I came home and did free weights and yoga in my living room while listening to Led Zepplin on vinyl.

I think I may have turned a corner.

Drugs are bad, kids

As part of my ongoing struggle with depression/anxiety, my therapist sent me to a psychiatrist to help get me on the right medications. My GP originally prescribed Lexapro back around Thanksgiving of last year then switched to Cymbalta a few months ago when the Lexapro wasn't doing whatever it was that it was supposed to be doing. Apparently the Cymbalta isn't doing whatever it's supposed to be doing either because the depression has only gotten worse and I haven't slept in months. The psychiatrist is weening me off of the Cymbalta and having me try Wellbutrin.


The thing about all this, folks, is that it takes 6-8 weeks before they can really tell if the new meds are working. In the mean time, I just have to sit around and wait and go through the withdrawal of Cymbalta, and that's no picnic. Let me tell you what it's like:


1. I have not left my bed in 3 days
2. I have migraines so severe that the tiniest bit of light makes me have to throw up
3. My body feels like it's tingling, my lips, my fingers, my eyeballs, my cheeks all feel like they have the creepy crawlies
4. Every time I move my head or eyes, it feels like a shock of electricity shoots through my brain
5. extreme irritability, I snap at anyone for anything
6. severe mood swings. I cried through 2 hours of Dateline last night then went right back to being irritable
7. isolation from friends and family, see number 1
8. depression is worse than before. I woudn't get out of bed, even if I could.


I called both my therapist and my psychiatrist and was basically told that the withdrawal symptoms affect different people different ways and that I should just keep doing what I'm doing and that it will get better. I don't really believe them, but I'm going to do what they tell me.

I mean, what other choice do I have, really?

I ain't workin' here no more

I am probably the happiest unemployed person walking the face of the earth. Friday was my last day at my corporate soul-sucking job and I've never felt better since I told my former boss to take this job and shove it. Not in so many words, of course, but she got the idea. I as able to screw her over pretty bad without compromising my integrity or morals or any of that good stuff. I even went over and beyond what was expected of me trying to train my replacement but when she decided she didn't want the job after all and never came back, well, that's not my fault, is it? I do feel a little guilty for getting some sick pleasure out of seeing the former boss-lady squirm. I left the building at the end of the day practically doing cartwheels in the parking lot while shouting "I'm free! I'm free!"

I will tell you one thing, however, having the CEO of the company personally ask what he could do to keep me felt pretty good. Telling him "nothing" felt even better.

Monday marks a new chapter in my life. I plan on focusing on getting myself healthy, mentally and physically. I sprung for a new pair of running shoes this afternoon and for the first time in a long time, I really want to run. This is a very big deal for me. I hope to keep myself getting up early and out the door like normal people while I'm not working. I don't want to let myself become secluded in my apartment for the next two weeks while I'm waiting for school to start. That would most definitely be a step in the wrong direction.