I started this morning before 7:00am. I knew it was going to be another hot one and I'd planned accordingly. I had enough water in my body, around my waist and hidden in bushes along my route to get me through the 12 miles Hal told me to run this morning. My plan was to divide the run into 3 parts: the first 4 miles would be easy at a comfortable 11:00/mpm. The following 4 miles would be ramped up to a 10:45/mpm and I'd finish the run with the last 4 miles at 10:30mpm (or as close as I could get to it, depending on how I felt).
I started out perfectly. Each mile came effortlessly at 11:00mpm and I thought I'd have a great run ahead of me. My legs felt fresh, my lungs open, my spirit ready to fly...
At exactly mile 3.5, I heard some runners coming up behind me. No problem, I thought to myself. Runners pass me all the time. I moved over to the side of the bike path so they'd be sure to have enough room to pass me. I thought I heard about 4 or 5 of them behind me but I counted 5, then 10, then 20, then I lost count and concentrated on not getting trampled. I recognized some of them as belonging to a local marathon training group that often does group runs along the same path on Saturday mornings. I smiled and waved hello as they passed and kept on my po-dunk little pace.
A few minutes went by until I heard another wave of the group coming up behind me. I turned around to see how many there were and I couldn't even see the end there were so many! I decided to hop off the trail on to the grass to be sure I was out of their way.
After the second wave passed, a third and a fourth went whizzing past me. By this time, I'd talked myself into such a stinking hole of self loathing, it's a wonder how I ever managed to finish all 12 miles. Myself and I had another conversation around mile 4 that went something like this:
Myself: You're too slow.
I: I know
Myself: And you're pretty fat.
I: Yeah, I know.
Myself: And you're ugly.
I: I know.
Myself: And that's why no man will ever date you.
I: Well, that makes sense.
Myself: So what are you doing out here anyway?
I: Huh?
Myself: I mean, running!
I: I don't know.
Myself: They are the real runners!
I: I know.
Myself: Who do you think you're kidding?
I: I don't know.
Myself: You suck!
I: I know.
Myself: You should quit.
I: Ok.
I was minding my own business, wallowing around in my own self pity when out of nowhere, one of the girls whizzing by elbowed me smack in the middle of the chest. The force was so blunt and so brutal that it sent me flying off the bike path and knocked the wind right out of me. It took me a few minutes to catch my breath and recover but when I did, she and the rest of her cohort were long gone. I doubt she even noticed she did it.
Feeling utterly defeated and beat up, I headed back towards my car. Myself was right, I didn't belong out there.
But when I got close to my car, I kept running. Eight miles later, I stopped. I'm not sure what kept my legs going out there today and those eight miles were anything but pretty (nowhere near the paces I wanted them to be), but they're in the books. I was never so happy to see a run come to an end as I was today and for a little while I contemplated quiting my training altogether. I've never had a run turn into such a mess of self deprecating negative self talk as was today and, I have to say, I hated it.
I haven't quit, and I won't, but today was a scary experience. I'm not sure where all that stems from (I know it wasn't all the people passing me, that happens all the time!) but I'd like to get to the root of it so I know how to more effectively deal with it should I be surprised with it again.
7 comments:
You should be very satisfied with your run. You dealt with some adversity and still had the discipline to finish up. The bottom line is that you did your 12 miles, at your pace, as you planned.
Good job!
You were missing one person's voice on your run. The phrase usually goes Me, Myself, and I or at least it does in my family. I think Me is the positive voice your missing, so next time Myself an I get to talking, make sure you let Me in on it too. I bet she's saying your pace is perfect, your body is just right at this very moment, and your spirit is beautiful. So beautifil the perect man is waiting to find you.
Hey Kate, don't get discouraged. We all have those days when we just don't think we can do any kind of training right, and it makes the scheduled run a "bad" one. Don't let those days get the best of you.
Always remember that those runners who passed you started somewhere too, just like you. What I DO NOT like is that another runner elbowed you! My instinct would've been to hit her back, but then again I can be kind of a biotch. Even if she did not intentionally do it, she should've at least shouted that she was sorry as she ran on. Personally, I think she should have stopped to say sorry. Arrrrggh!
Please don't let other runners influence how you feel about YOUR RUNNING. You are training to the best of YOUR ability. You will continue to improve at YOUR pace. There will always be someone faster, better, heck, even cuter, but you just can't let that get to you.
Press on, train on, do not quit, ever. You will not regret not quitting!!!
The next time you find yourself struggling, I hope you'll remember this run, how crappy you felt, how you got elbowed, how you were full of self doubt,and the fact that you kept on going! You are stronger and tougher than you think. Good for you.
Hi Kate,
Good for you for keeping those feet moving!
My daughter just told me about your blog. She and I are doing our first marathon in October (Detroit) in celebration of my 50TH birthday, so I know some of what you are going through.
Last week was a rough mental week for me as well. If you are interested you can read about it in my blog journeytothefull262.blogspot.com
If you think you are slow check out my post on June 11 when I talk about doing a trail race and being passed not once but twice by the same women.
At least you were being passed by runners, you know how embarrasing it is to get passed by 60 yr old mall walkers? And 12 miles?... Take a look at the weekly mileage postings during the Miles game sometime... you've got as many miles in one run as many have all week... THAT's SWEET!!!! AND SO ARE YOU so don't let them bother you.
Red,
www.seeredrun.com
I am astounded that someone would elbow you so hard that it would push you off the path! And it is just rude that she didn't apologize, let alone even acknowledge it. She knew that she elbowed you...what a jerk!
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