Tap, tap. Is this thing on?

Pardon me while I dust off this section of the internet. It hasn't been used in a while.

7 solid months of weekly (sometimes bi-weekly) talk-therapy has taught me one crucially important thing: man, do I have some issues! It seems as though every week another layer of the problem is exposed, another faulty way of thinking to address, more ways I constantly bring myself down are discovered. I think Anne of Green Gables said it best when she dramatically proclaimed that she was "in the depths of despair." The Dude pokes and prods, persists relentlessly until he finds where the scars begin. 7 months and I'm not quite sure we've even chipped the surface yet.

Needless to say, Christmas is bumming me out. I didn't bother to put up a tree this year or any other sort of decorations. I have no desire to sing "fa la la la la la la la la" or spend my nights watching the old Christmas classics I usually watch every year. I can't think about New Year's Eve without bursting into tears (due to scar tissue recently clawed at during a session with The Dude last week. I find it hard to imagine New Year's Eve ever being a happy night for me); I think I'll have a NyQuil cocktail at around 8:30 and call it a year.

I write this unashamed. Those of you that know me outside the anonymity of the internet may find this surprising, some may not. Depression is an illness like any other, not a mood and part of the reason I got to the "depths of despair" was because I didn't talk about it. Not to anyone. Now I talk to everyone, hopefully communicating the serious of this illness. Depression, anxiety, and manic episodes occupy my life at the moment as it probably will in spurts for the rest of my life. Meds help. So does The Dude. I believe if I hadn't quit my job when I did and been sent for help by my mother, I wouldn't be alive today. I praise God for this every day.

I'll quit being a Debbie Downer for the moment, if I may, and report good news. I ran a 5k on December 6th, ran every step and finished with a respectable time (though far, far from what I'm capable of). I have my 1/2 marathon training plan all worked out and scheduled to begin on February 9th for the Capital City 1/2 on May 2nd. Until I begin the training schedule, I've been running between 15-20 miles per week, about 3 or 4 of those miles with my good friend Jackie. Jackie has set a goal of running a 5k on St. Patrick's Day weekend and she's just as determined as I am as far as race goals go.

Running and good friends also help.

Melancholy

It's snowing in Ohio.

I was not good about running last week. Only got about 7 miles in. And I did not do my long run.

Mostly because I've been feeling slight melancholy again. I wouldn't say full blown depression but a persistent sense of unease and an unwillingness to leave my bed. I wonder how this can happen when I'm on all the drugs that have been working thus far. Therapy has been rough for the last month or so. Maybe that's it.

But I'm going to class. I will not allow myself to stay in bed all day and miss the classes that I love. I will not do that to myself.

Even if it is snowing in Ohio.

Where Kate proves once again the vastness of her intellect

OK, so remember a few posts ago where I mentioned how stupid I am? The blisters from my brilliant Halloween costume kept me from running for an entire week. I've been hobbling around like....something that hobbles a lot, feeling stupider and stupider as this ridiculousness plays itself out. The blisters on my toes were so big that they encompassed my entire toe. And when I (being the genius we all know I am) popped them, a thick layer of skin rose all the way around my toe. So naturally, I pulled the skin off, leaving three of my toes exposing the second layer of skin and extremely sensitive to the slightest touch. Hence no running. Today has been the first day I've put the full weight of my body on them and haven't fallen back in pain so I'm going to try an eensy weensy tiny run tonight and see how it goes.

30 before 30

For a much more eloquent description of what this is, check out my sister-friend's post about stepping out of her comfort zone. A few years ago I had a similar conversation with her when she told me about 30 things she wanted to challenge herself to do before she turned 30. I decided to steal her idea and make up a list of my own. As you can see, I've had difficulty even FINISHING the list so obviously some of these won't get done. Like #4 for example. The italicised goals are works in progress and the red goals are already completed. I might have to tack on another 5 and change it to 35 Before 35 since, um, I only have 11 10 months left. Oops.

1. Run a marathon (i.e. FINNISH a marathon)
2. Lose 50 lbs
3. Read Anna Karenina and The Brother’s Karmanov.
4. Finish knitting the scarf (I've knitted several baby blankets, a sweater and about 7,000 handbags so even though I didn't technically finish the scarf, I'm checking it off. The point of that was to become a better knitter and I have.)
5. Kiss a boy (a reciprocal kiss!)
6. Find a new job
7. Visit a state I’ve never been to before
8. Get a tattoo
9. Cut off contact with The Ex permanently
10. Take a multi-vitamin every day.
11. Publish something I’ve written
12. Revisit Edinburgh
13. Establish a circle of Christian friends
14. Take a photography class
15. Visit a country I’ve never been to before
16. Volunteer
17. Sing karaoke in front of people
18. Find a bible study to attend
19. Try seafood
20. Learn how to make one meal really well (besides desert)
21. Fix the car
22. Wear a bikini outside my living room
23. officially join the church
24. finish the 30 before 30 list
25. learn how to ride a bike using no hands
26. consistently practice yoga
27. break 25:25 in the 5k
28. Apply to 10-12 MFA programs.
29. Take a self-defense class
30. Pee in the woods.

updated 9/14/09

The Week

This has been a great running week for me despite the fact that I'm putting off the long-run-that-isn't-really-long until later in the day or possibly tomorrow because of a certain holiday yesterday and a dum-dum who wore 2 inch heels that ripped her feet to shreds. I don't know what possessed me to wear these shoes and yes I realize they were only 2-inches so you can point and laugh at me all you want but I have 6 blisters the size of Kansas on each foot. Once again I prove how smart I really am.

Anywho. I'll get six miles in at some point which will put me right at 15 miles for the week. I'm pretty comfortable with that and will probably stay at that mileage for a few weeks before I start working my way up to 20 and eventually 25 before my training schedule starts for the 1/2 marathon at the beginning of May. I have little hope I can PR there after my 2:10 last year because of my layoff but I really like this race. That will make 3 years in a row! Luckily for me I am quite happy to keep running the same courses over and over and have little desire to travel more than a half hour to race. I just don't have the money or time for that sort of investment.

My friend Jackie is also continuing to run with me. This thrills me to the core. I get voicemails from her asking what time we're going to run, which route we'll take, where's the best place to get one of those watter bottle thingies with the hand strap. Not to discredit her but I never expected her to stick with it for as long as she has (about 3 weeks now) and to also enjoy it as much as she does. She's even setting small goals for herself and realizing how empowering it makes her feel. It almost brings tears to my eyes with joy.

I'm a bit sore from yoga on Friday but I'm loving every pain and ache. It means I'm getting my lard-ass into shape. Slowly but surely I'll get there.

Did my LSD yesterday and it was awesome. I was supposed to meet with the Boy Toy again but he backed out on account of too much partying the night before. Oh boy, what a surprise. He's just as reliable as he was when we were dating. Me thinks I dodged a bullet with that one. Anyway. 5 miles I did, trying to keep my pace between 11:30 and 11:40. Nice and slooooooow. And here's what happened:

Mile 1: 11:43
Mile 2: 11:35
Mile 3: 11:21
Mile 4: 11:15
Mile 5: 11:09

Hmmmmm. Interesting. I didn't feel like I was going faster at mile five than I was at mile 1 and, in fact, mile 1 seemed like I was working a helluva lot harder than mile 5. Maybe it just takes me 5 miles before I start to feel good. Quite possible.

I've been eating well and have been rewarded with a deficit of a few of the old LB's. That's always nice to see. I'd like to lose about 50 more but, yeah. One step, one day at a time.

When Dostoevsky wrote "The Idiot" he was writing about me.

Ran with the Boy Toy today. This is a new development in the never-ending saga of my romantic life. Not that there's really all that much to tell. I saw him Sunday running the marathon, or rather, we both saw each other at the exact same moment. So I texted him later in the day to congratulate him on his PR, one thing led to another, and the next thing I know, we're meeting for a run in the park today. I was apprehensive because:

• I was 15lbs lighter the last time I saw him
• I'd told him I was sick over the summer and that's why I hadn't been running, so naturally when he asked what I'd come down with, I blurted out "depression and anxiety" which I immediately regretted because I fear he thinks it might have had something to with him since we broke up in the middle of all that, but really it had nothing to do with him at all. Le sigh.
• And because I haven't been back to running for all that long, I still suck wind the entire time so I looked like a total douche trying to keep up with him and talk "comfortably" all while clocking 10:20 miles (again, still not fast but I'm not quite back to that level yet)
• Oh, and the whole ex-boyfriend issue.
• It didn't come up. We just talked, caught up, yadda yadda.
• and we're running together again on Saturday.
• Am I a masochist or what?

So that's my running experience for today. I had fun running with him today. I really did. However it's a bit confusing to go from boyfriend/girlfriend to just "friends." I'm doing my best not reading into it but...meh. Whatever. Boyz r dum. But hey, I got 4 miles out of it at a 10:20 pace and I didn't die so that's good, right? I don't think he even broke a sweat. Grrr.

YAY!!!!!

Day one of Goal Marathon 2009 yesterday with a total of 3 miles with an average pace of 10:48. This makes me very very very happy. It's neither far nor fast but I'm proud of myself nonetheless. Since the middle of September I've been running about 10 miles a week struggling for every step, it seems. My pace was usually somewhere around 12:00 miles but yesterday, ah yesterday...for the first time in a very long time I feel like not all is lost. That the 4.5 months I spent (and am still currently spending) getting my brain healthy did not totally kill everything I worked for physically. I'm actually looking forward to winter and running in the cold and snow and under armor. Yay running!

It's coming back, ya'll!

The Columbus Marathon from the sidelines

As most of you know, I've been on sort of an unwanted hiatus from "serious" running since about April. My brain wasn't functioning properly and therefore my body couldn't either. I've recently started running again and it feels like I'm starting all over from scratch. This is incredibly frustrating. After I've sucked wind for two miles I beat myself up with all kinds of "should" statements. I should be running faster. I should be running farther. I never should have quit running when I had my mental breakdown. I should not be such an idiot.

However, it was suggested to me that I might consider letting myself off the hook every once in a while. I know I was sick and I know it was very close to life threatening and I know that for every mile I run now I can praise God I'm still alive. I should let myself off the hook.

Today I watched my dad run the Columbus 1/2 Marathon and he did great, a fantastic PR by about 10 minutes. After he finished I went to another part of the course (mile 22) where the marathoners were still going strong and I cheered for each person until the last runner went by. I know how tough those last few miles can be and, being a back-of-the-pack'er myself, I know how lonely I get. I hope I was able to offer encouragement to some of them with my sign:

YOUR FEET HURT CUZ YOU'RE KICKING SO MUCH ASS!!

God willing, I'll be back there next year.

4 miles.

Check.

And so what if they were run a day late? I got them done didn't I? Actually, the only reason I did them at all is because I have this paper to write and I'm not really feeling it. It's due tomorrow and while I already have a pretty shitty rough draft down on paper, I have a feeling it's going to be a long, long night of revisions. So what do I do? Put it off for an hour and go for a run.

Ah, college. I love it!

I will run.

OK.

I'm going to run today.

I AM going to run today.

I am going to RUN today.

I am going to run TODAY.

I am going to put on my shoes and my shorts and my shirt and my little black visor that is the best little black visor a girl could wish for. I'm going to strap my Garmin to my left wrist, charge my ipod, and step out the front door. Then I will run. I will run for 4 miles. And then I will stop. I will stop running, come back to my apartment, take a shower and report my accomplishment.

Sometimes it takes a little visualization.

Running. In a skirt?!

To think I almost passed up on the $30 road bike makes my brain hurt a little. It is quite dazzling. It did, however, need new tires which I was happy to get and even got a little carried away adding accessories. I'm a sucker for bikes. This thing is great. 10 speeds, super fast, and it's blue so it matches my other bike. I'll post a picture soon, when it stops pissing rain in Ohio.

And I've actually be running. Hurrah! Maybe not as many miles as I would like or as fast as I would like but I could probably say that for most days that I train. I found some running skirts at Target on clearance so I've been trying to get used to the idea of running in a skirt. I have to admit when I put it on and stepped out my front door I felt as though the world had suddenly gone cattywhampus. Running? In a skirt?!? I felt entirely too dressed up. I'm not quite sure about the whole idea of running in a skirt but I guess female tennis players do it and they're pretty kick ass, right? Hmmm....jury's still out on the skirt issue.

Nothing exciting.

It's late on Sunday night and I'm trying to gear myself up for the week ahead. I wasn't able to run at all last week, ahem, I should correct that. I didn't run at all last week. It's difficult for me to get my butt out the door when my schedule is so cattywhampus and running is not my highest priority. However, I'm still on my health kick and feeling much better as a result of that. My insides feel clean, if that makes any sense.

I recently made another impulsive bike purchase, only this time it was only $30 and it's a road bike. Wahooooo! Riding it really makes me think about doing a triathlon someday, something that would have been ridiculous on my 1972 Schwinn Suburban. Even if it is schweet, it's not ideal for road racing. This new one is. I've been zipping all over town this week on it. You may have seen me go zooooom because it's that fast. Now my house has more bikes than people. Hee hee.

So to the land of dreams I go. Another week over and a new one just begun.

Slack

I wish I had better numbers to report for this week but I just don't. Plain as that. Lots of biking but that's implied by now, right? That's my main mode of transportation so...yeah. Lots of biking.

My excuse for this week is that I had family in town visiting: my cousin, her little baby girl and my aunt. They are a lot of fun and I spent more time with an 11 month old than I think I ever have in my life. Seeing her almost makes me want to have babies of my own. Almost.

School continues to rock my socks. My writing professor is giving us lots of prompts and mine yesterday was a prescription bottle. This is what came out of my noggin:

Prescription bottles always remind me of my grandfather. I have 12 medications of my own that I take every day, however whenever I see an orange see-through bottle with a white cap, I don’t think of the 12 of them I have lined up on my nightstand at home; I think about my grandfather’s veiny hands struggling with the childproof cap. The pharmacist often offered to replace the childproof cap with an easy-open snap off cap, but my grandfather wouldn’t hear of it. My mother, his caretaker, would sigh and continue to be available to him at all times in case he couldn’t get a bottle open. “Why, I do believe they’ve given me a broken bottle,” he would say. He would tell my mother to call the pharmacy and complain, but she never did. Instead, she would read the auxiliary labels to him explaining what each one meant as she went along. “Take with food or milk.” “Do not drive or operate heavy machinery while taking this medication.”

My mother bought him a pill organizer one year for Christmas. It was a large rectangle box organized by day of the week and time of day. Each individual plastic day, containing four separate boxes (Morning, Noon, Evening, and Bedtime), could be popped out so that he would only have to carry one day’s worth of pills around with him. Each morning he selected the appropriate plastic day and placed it in his breast pocket, along with two gold pens and a comb.

Every Saturday night my grandfather would meticulously arrange his pills for the week. Each pill was dropped into its correct box in precisely the right order. One day he dropped his heart medication in before he dropped his thyroid medication in and had to start all over from the beginning. When he eventually became unable to perform his Saturday night ritual on his own, he instructed my mother, watching her with a scrutinizing glare in order to make sure every pill went from bottle to box in precisely the right order. After several weeks of practice my grandfather felt confident enough in my mother’s pill dispensing abilities to relinquish control over his pill box.

When my grandfather died I took the pill box for myself, not that anyone else in my family particularly wanted it. I saved it from the “Throw Away” pile and took it home to my nightstand where it sits empty. I have 12 prescription bottles lined up on my nightstand table and a pillbox in which to organize them, however I have yet to follow in my grandfather’s footsteps and create my own Saturday night ritual. The boxes have not been opened since his final Saturday night ritual and I’m afraid opening them now would allow tufts of him to escape, tufts of him I want to keep on my nightstand table.

How to Run a Marathon

As one of my writing assignments for my Creative Non-Fiction class, our homework assignment for the weekend was to write a "How-To". Having never written anything like this before, I decided to go with something I know next to nothing about. Seems logical right? The scary part for me is that I have to Get. Up. And. Read. This. Out Loud. To. The. Class. As Jerry Seinfeld aptly observes, the #1 fear people have is public speaking. The #2 is death. So that means at your own funeral, you'd rather be the one in the coffin than the one giving the eulogy. That about sums up my fear of public speaking. Anyway, here is what I wrote....

In order to run a marathon you must be crazy. You must be crazy, dedicated and passionate about running. You must also have a good pair of running shoes. It’s possible to run a marathon without shoes but I wouldn’t recommend it. It’s much easier to smile through the pain at the finish line if your feet have been cushioned for the last 26.2 miles.

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When friends, family and coworkers find out that you are training for a marathon, there will come the inevitable shock “Wow!” They will look at you with a smidge of admiration but mostly disbelief. Then after the shock sinks in, “why?” or “are you crazy or something?” To that you can say “yes”, for it takes a certain degree of insanity to want to run 26.2 miles. You must be a little bit nuts to get up at the hour you do in order to get the miles in before work. You have to be off your rocker to sit in a bathtub full of ice water to soothe your aching muscles after a really hard day on the track. You have to be a bit mad to put Vaseline on your eyebrows, band-aids on your nipples and slather yourself with a product called Body Glide. Yes, you must be a little bit crazy to run a marathon.

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However, along with the insanity, you must be dedicated to the training. You must be willing to run all the miles on your training schedule even on the days you’d rather sleep in or grab a drink with friends. You must run even when you can think of anything else on the planet you’d rather be doing instead. You must run even if you have a head cold, even if you have a blister the size of Texas on your pinkie toe, even if it’s 92 degrees outside. You run.

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You run in shoes picked out with the help of a professional. Don’t go to Dick’s or Footlocker; go to a specialty running store and have a professional watch your feet while you run. They will bring you shoes that are appropriate for your needs. Try all of them on until you have found the perfect fit. You will know you have found the perfect shoe because it won’t feel like a shoe at all, but rather an extension of your own foot. Splurge a little and get the best shoes for your feet, after all, you will be spending a lot of time with them. Become friends with the sales people. They know their stuff and can recommend other gear you might be interested in, but at its core, shoes are the only essential accessory you need in order to run.

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You’ll skip the happy hours with friends. You will eat spaghetti by the ton and drink so much water that your boss will think you have a UTI. You will happily put on your running shoes when everyone else is in bed because you are passionate. You know that running a marathon is so much more than the medal they will drape around your neck as you drag your weary body across the finish line. During training you’ll realize how strong you really are, not only physically, but also mentally. You will learn how to press through the moments when the word “quit” screams through your brain. You will learn when to push yourself to the limit and when to give yourself a break. You will learn something everyday about who you are.

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And when Marathon Day finally arrives you celebrate. The fact that you made it to the starting line healthy and prepared gives you confidence for what lay ahead on the road in front of you. Each mile you run that day is a celebration of every mile you put in during training. Write your name on your shirt and thank the volunteers and spectators cheering for you. Talk to other runners around you. Encourage each other when the going gets tough. Cry if you need to. Those last 6.2 miles will be the toughest 6.2 miles you have ever run in your life. You will wish you were dead; you will know you are dead. But most importantly, no matter what your time or how horrible you feel, keep putting one foot in front of the other. Lift your hands and smile when you cross the finish line. This is your moment. You have won the race. You realize you are too tough to kill.

Go long

I was reminiscing this morning. I was longing for the days when an easy 4 miler was just that. Today, not so easy. I did my first "long" run since April this morning and I have to tell you people...it was awesome. I stayed in my neighborhood instead of heading down to the bike path where I normally do my long runs and can feel the twinge from the concrete sidewalks. Maybe in a few weeks I'll venture back to my old haunt and brave the trails again. Part of my trepidation is because the last time I ran there it was with the Boy Toy and I'm not sure what kind of emotions will arise. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sorry that relationship ended but it taints my trail a little. However, now that I'm back to running after my sabbatical I'm ready to create new memories on the path.

Oh yeah, and I weighed myself this morning. That was ugly. I gained back those 20lbs I lost right after the marathon last year. *sigh* No better time than now to start chiseling all that away.

Facebook and stuff

I took yesterday off, if you don't count the biking. Which I do so I guess I didn't take the day off. Whatever, I didn't run and I'm ok with that. I think my body is going into shock what with all the healthy eating and all this...movement. It's grown accustomed to sitting in a chair for hours upon hours trying to figure out the relationship of

prediction : augury

The GREs are hard, people. But my butt is not so it's time to get moving. Today is yoga day which makes my socks roll up and down. I have a lot of kinks in this 29 year old body that need to be worked out and it just so happens that I got a 10-class yoga pass for my birthday. Yippee!

In other news, I've joined the rest of the planet and signed up on Facebook. Add me as a friend. Please. I'm desperate to look cool and I only have like 4 friends. No, I'm kidding. I don't just want to look cool. I want to be cool. And you can be cool too if you add me as a friend. I promise to write witty things on your wall and I'll send you flare. Go on, take a chance...

http://www.new.facebook.com/profile.php?id=721237475&ref=profile

Zapped

Today was the first day of fall classes. I ride my bike from home to campus and the ride there ain't bad. It's pretty much all down hill and I'm bright eyed and bushy-tailed and ready to get my learn on. The ride is about 25:00 but I'm not sure how many miles that is. Some day when I remember to charge the Garmin, I'll measure it.

But the ride home sucks. I'm tired and my brain is overflowing with college type stuff. I'm hungry and want to call one of my friends and beg them to come pick me up so I don't have to hull my ass home uphill on the bike. Another 25:00 and I'm home but I've got the bike in 1st gear so I pedal really fast but don't go anywhere. I'm sure I look like a freak on the bike but I'm fine not knowing.

I wasn't going to run on account of all the biking and learning I did today but after I got home and ate dinner I got into a self-loathing what-the-hell-am-I-doing-trying-to-go-to-grad-school funk. Normally I would polish off a carton of cherry cordial ice cream but I'm on this new kick, right? All healthy and stuff.

So I went for a run. 2 miles and I was sucking wind the entire time but I tell you what, it felt pretty good. Mark it down. Another 2 miles for the record books. Yippee! C-bus Marathon 2009, here I come.

The Comeback Kid

I'm horrified to realize that I haven't posted anything since the FIFTH of JULY. And here it is, the end of September. If anyone still stops by this dusty corner of the internet, I thank you 1000 times.

As I type this, I'm curled up in bed getting myself geared up for another quarter of classes. It's still dark outside and I'm wondering how it's possible the summer went by so quickly. But a good summer it was. After 4 months of intensive therapy and multiple drug combinations, I think I've found my happy medium. I haven't felt this good in years. Anxiety still wakes me in the night, still grabs me by the throat too often, however I see a light at the end of the tunnel. Someone once described depression as being like a tree covered in vines. The vines start at the base of the tree and continue up the trunk sometimes reaching so high and thick that the tree disappears and all anyone can see is the vines. I think I've managed to untangle my tree from some of those vines and I believe even some of my branches are showing. It feels glorious.

So glorious, in fact, that I've been running. Yes, that's right. Running. I'm taking it nice and slow, which is drastically different from how I usually try to get back in the game. I've been doing 2 minutes walking 2 minutes running and I feel like I could do that for hours.

I'm back.

Say hello to my Schweet Schwinn!

I took a much needed break last week from Bubble Shooter studying and ran some errands around town. I just so happened to drive by this tiny little antique store I'd never seen before. What caught my eye was this beauty lined up with some other duds in front of the store window.

I immediately swerved my car into a questionable parking spot to check it out. The store owner came out and suggested I take her for a spin around the block.

No sooner did my feet hit the pedals and I was in love.
The gear shift is a little tricky. I have to pull that lever down and hope I hit a gear because there's no markers for where the gears are. I've just kept it in 5th because I'm sorta afraid of it.

"I'll take it!!" I said as soon as I got back to the antique store. I loaded my new toy on my bike rack on my car and brought it home and got to work. I added new reflectors on the front and back wheels, a reflector on the back, a water bottle holder (this was tricky because there were no holes in the body of the bike where a water bottle holder would normally screw into so I found the one you see below in the kiddie section and just rigged it to fit), the luggage rack that fits over the back tire, and the ghetto fabulous crate that fits on top.

I still want to get a fun bell and a front reflector, oohhhh! and some streamers. How schweet would that be?


I've been riding this schweet schwinn everywhere and I LOVE it. I actually did some research on it and found out that it's a 1972 SUBURBAN and its worth about $5. It's probably had a paint job at one point and the breaks need a little tune up. Otherwise, it's in fantastic condition.

I obscenely overpaid and it bothers me a little that it shares the name with an SUV I hate and part of the city I avoid like the plague, but I still LOVE it. I laugh to myself when the SUV Suburbans pass me on the street and I think about how much gas I have not had to buy since I bought the bike.

Bubble Shooter; procrastination's most useful website.

I haven't been exercising nearly as much as I'd like but what with school and my new found addiction to Bubble Shooter I can't seem to find the time. However, I am biking to class every day, 30 minutes each way. My butt is killing me! Unfortunately, my body has gone flabby all over (yuck!) and I feel pretty gross for not running. I guess we can all assume the marathon and even probably the half is out of the question. I am thinking about volunteering anyway.


Speaking of school, I'm hoping to apply for the MFA program at Ohio State by the end of the year. Last week, I had to "audition" for an undergraduate creative non-fiction writing class that I want to take in the fall. I submitted some of my work to the Professor teaching the class (who also just happens to be one of the original founders of the MFA program as OSU) and her response was "You write pretty damn well and I would LOVE to have you in my class!"


Freaking sweet.

For Future refrence

My therapist = "The Dude" because I hate being one of those people that starts off conversations with "My therapist says..."
My psychiatrist = "My Dealer" because he gives me drugs.

I see both The Dude and my dealer on Tuesday with good things to report. I've been pretty active and involved in my own life this week. But there are so many variables its impossible to pinpoint which one has caused the turn around. Could it be I don't have to waste my days in that corporate soul-sucking fascist dictatorship of job? Could it be that the Wellbutrin is starting to work? Could it be the fact that I'm running again and practicing yoga and lifting weights and I have a bunch of endorphins shooting off all over the place? Could it be that I'm eating well and treating my body with respect?

In all probability, it could be all of the above.

While the depression seems to have lifted a little, the anxiety is still there. In the midst of my progress this week, a little voice in the back of my head is telling me it won't last; that it's a manic episode; that I'm facing another inevitable crash and it will be worse. I still can't sleep even though I'm on a pretty high dose of Ambien. I don't feel like I miss the sleep and am never tired (more like wound up, high strung) where as I used to sleep all day long. Ugg. The dude and I still need to work on that.

But, running, I am. Lifting weights and yoga take a little more effort to keep consistent with but I'm trying. I still haven't been able to run farther than 2.5 miles but I'm learning to be proud of myself for sticking with it.

Good Times, Bad Times, You know I've had my share

I did some internet searching while I was hibernating in my bed since Thursday. I read somewhere that exercise can help lessen the withdrawal symptoms of Cymbalta because exercise increases your metabolism, thus, helping move the drugs out of your system faster. Like we needed another reason to prove how good exercise is for us.

So, I exercised for 2.5 hours today.

I've been trying to run, but the brain zaps, the migraines, the lack of motivation and (not to mention) the heat wave we're experiencing has made it almost impossible. Almost.

Yesterday I ran .46 miles before I had to stop and lay down in the grass. Right on a main street and everything. I am awesome. I laid in the grass with tears running in my ears. Eventually, I pulled myself up and crawled home, crying all the way.

Today, I ran TWO AND A HALF MILES and I feel like a new person. It wasn't pretty by any means and I was super slow but I did it. Then I came home and did free weights and yoga in my living room while listening to Led Zepplin on vinyl.

I think I may have turned a corner.

Drugs are bad, kids

As part of my ongoing struggle with depression/anxiety, my therapist sent me to a psychiatrist to help get me on the right medications. My GP originally prescribed Lexapro back around Thanksgiving of last year then switched to Cymbalta a few months ago when the Lexapro wasn't doing whatever it was that it was supposed to be doing. Apparently the Cymbalta isn't doing whatever it's supposed to be doing either because the depression has only gotten worse and I haven't slept in months. The psychiatrist is weening me off of the Cymbalta and having me try Wellbutrin.


The thing about all this, folks, is that it takes 6-8 weeks before they can really tell if the new meds are working. In the mean time, I just have to sit around and wait and go through the withdrawal of Cymbalta, and that's no picnic. Let me tell you what it's like:


1. I have not left my bed in 3 days
2. I have migraines so severe that the tiniest bit of light makes me have to throw up
3. My body feels like it's tingling, my lips, my fingers, my eyeballs, my cheeks all feel like they have the creepy crawlies
4. Every time I move my head or eyes, it feels like a shock of electricity shoots through my brain
5. extreme irritability, I snap at anyone for anything
6. severe mood swings. I cried through 2 hours of Dateline last night then went right back to being irritable
7. isolation from friends and family, see number 1
8. depression is worse than before. I woudn't get out of bed, even if I could.


I called both my therapist and my psychiatrist and was basically told that the withdrawal symptoms affect different people different ways and that I should just keep doing what I'm doing and that it will get better. I don't really believe them, but I'm going to do what they tell me.

I mean, what other choice do I have, really?

I ain't workin' here no more

I am probably the happiest unemployed person walking the face of the earth. Friday was my last day at my corporate soul-sucking job and I've never felt better since I told my former boss to take this job and shove it. Not in so many words, of course, but she got the idea. I as able to screw her over pretty bad without compromising my integrity or morals or any of that good stuff. I even went over and beyond what was expected of me trying to train my replacement but when she decided she didn't want the job after all and never came back, well, that's not my fault, is it? I do feel a little guilty for getting some sick pleasure out of seeing the former boss-lady squirm. I left the building at the end of the day practically doing cartwheels in the parking lot while shouting "I'm free! I'm free!"

I will tell you one thing, however, having the CEO of the company personally ask what he could do to keep me felt pretty good. Telling him "nothing" felt even better.

Monday marks a new chapter in my life. I plan on focusing on getting myself healthy, mentally and physically. I sprung for a new pair of running shoes this afternoon and for the first time in a long time, I really want to run. This is a very big deal for me. I hope to keep myself getting up early and out the door like normal people while I'm not working. I don't want to let myself become secluded in my apartment for the next two weeks while I'm waiting for school to start. That would most definitely be a step in the wrong direction.

Feels Good!

When my doctor first told me last summer that I had anxiety, I didn't believe him. I didn't feel anxious and I sure as hell didn't have anything to be anxious about. I kept brushing off the symptoms (heart palpitations, a persistent choking sensation in my throat, sleepless nights) looking for some magic pill that would make it all go away. It wasn't until I landed in the ER one night with a full blown panic attack that I decided to take the doctor's diagnosis seriously.

"Get rid of stress," she said. I learned how to relax and breathe through stressful situations.

"Make sure to get enough exercise," she said. I ran a marathon and took up yoga.

"Eat well and drink plenty of water," she said. I swore off fast food and kept my diet as clean as possible. Not quite organic, think natural.

"Find something you enjoy to make you happy," she said. I quit my job and decided to go to graduate school.

I followed the doctor's orders under the assumption that what was going on inside my brain was directly related to the things going on around me, in other words, situational. If I could only change everything around me, I would start to get better.

But what I didn't expect was to do all these things and feel worse as a result. It never occurred to me that I might have something deeper going on. I started missing work and used up all my vacation and sick time for the year before the end of April. I stayed in bed all day with the TV on as white noise, I didn't even hear it. I completely lost interest in anything and everything I used to find enjoyable. I cried constantly and for no reason and isolated myself from friends and family. Somewhere in the midst of all this, the Boy Toy hit the road, I'm not sure exactly when.

After about 6 weeks of being unable to function normally, my mom sent me to see a therapist. Through several sessions with him, I've begun to realize that I'm fighting a much bigger beast than I ever expected. He agreed with my doctor's original diagnosis, but that anxiety is only part of the problem. He told me I've probably had a mild form of depression for many many years but because it's gone untreated for so long, I've grown to assume depression as part of my personality, not recognizing it as a legitimate disease and the toll it's taken on my life.

.

These last few weeks or months is something he called a "major depressive episode", like layers of an onion, the anxiety revealing itself last year as yet another symptom of a much larger issue. It's not situational, it's medical. If I had cancer or diabetes, you wouldn't tell me to "cheer up and get over it" or to stop having cancer or being diabetic. Like any other disease, the symptoms are real. The pain is deep. The healing is long. But there is healing.

.

I have an appointment with a psychiatrist next week to (hopefully) get a better idea of what kind of depression I have so he can start to treat it with the right combination of cognitive talk therapy and medications. If you (or anyone you know) think you may have depression, please seek medical help. I'm learning that there is hope after all.

Back on track

Having finally made the decision to quit my job, the choking sensation I usually have at the bottom of my throat has finally started to loosen. Now, I just have to actually go through with handing over my resignation letter to my boss, which I will do on May 16th. I'm pretty nervous about that but I just have to keep reminding myself that I'm doing the right thing. It will be ok.

In other news, I actually went for a run last night. You heard correctly. I actually started out by going to the gym and had to dust off my gym card because it's been months since I've been there. My friend behind the counter greeted me like the Prodigal Son when I walked through the door. Yeah, yeah... I did some squats and lunges; worked my upper body and shoulders a little bit. I kept peeking over at the people on the treadmills wondering what the heck my problem was. Why couldn't I just get out there and run already?

I decided to run around my neighborhood when I got home rather than get on the treadmill because it was so gorgeous outside. It would've been a crime to run on a treadmill! I only managed 2.2 miles and I was sucking wind the entire time, but it didn't feel all bad.

It's so hard to get back in shape and so so so so easy to get out of it. Just like losing weight is so hard and gaining it is so so so so easy. I have a long road ahead but I think if I take some time away from work and focus on myself physically (keeping that marathon in October in the back of my mind), my mental well being won't be far behind.

End of an Era

For better or for worse, the time has come. That's right, I'm putting in my resignation at my job. As risky and stupid as it may be, I do not have another job lined up. While this leaves an already severely anxious person (me) with more anxiety than she needs, it is time. I have some savings I can live off of for a few months but after that, who knows.

I made the decision a few weeks ago after I'd been sent home after yet another mental break down in my bosses office. She clearly has no idea what to do with me. Even on meds, my anxiety from my work has become unmanageable so I feel it's time for me to take some time off and get my friggin head together before I end up in a padded room somewhere.

I'm pretty sure my backing out of The Pig is symptomatic of all this going on at work. My doctor agrees that physical activity would be so beneficial for me but I just can't seem to get it together. I've completely lost all motivation to do pretty much anything active and can see the damage it's doing to my waistline. But do I do anything about it? Nope.

I have a case of the Lazy's

I've dropped out of The Pig. And I pretty much feel like a big fat loser about it. Unfortunately, I've not been able to hang on to what little mojo I had after The Columbus Distance Classic and have fallen pretty far off the wagon. I attribute it to several things...

• I'm burned out. I put so much energy and time into training for the marathon last year and I still don't feel like I've been able to recapture that spark.
• my job is sucking my will to live. Seriously, even with the fantastic weather we've been having here, I go straight home after work and resume my position on the couch.
• turns out the chest pain and heart palpitations I was having last year were anxiety after all. My doctor has prescribed some anti-anxiety medication which I was pretty hesitant to take, but whatever works, right? Problem is, I've lost a lot of motivation to do pretty much anything. She's still trying to find the right meds for me, so far this is the second one I've tried. Fun.
• been spending more and more time with the BT.

So there you have it. I'm a big fat failure at running. I've decided to cut myself some slack and focus on overall fitness and health, still trying to run twice a week. Hopefully, I'll resume my love affair with running soon.

When Pigs Fly

I've been trying to gear myself up for The Pig but I've just felt soooooo lllllaaaazzzzzzzyyyyy this week. We've had gorgeous weather here all week and I've managed to run a whopping THREE miles since the half marathon. I have gone to yoga twice but that doesn't really help my mileage totals. Now does it?!?! My good friend S and I are planning a girls weekend in Cincinnati for the race away from her dude and my Boy Toy. However, I have a feeling most of our conversations will be about the boys in our lives.

If you need a laugh check out my race photos from Saturday. My BIB # is 788. They are HILARIOUS. I don't think I could look more pissed off in all of them if I tried. I need to practice smiling while I run. Clearly.

Capital City Half Marathon

Having run this race as my first half marathon exactly one year ago, I knew what to expect of the challenges of the course and of the possible weather conditions. But clearly, I train on very very flat terrian. This is known as being a relitively flat course so why did I feel like I was running uphill the entire way?

It was a chilly 40F at the start and overcast - perfect racing conditions for me. I was well rested and carbed up so I knew I had a chance at meeting my time goal of 2:15 which would give me a PR by 14 minutes. We lined up according to pace per mile, me with the 10:00 group and my dad with the 11:00 group. We were 3,500 strong and pressed shoulder to shoulder. I prepared myself for a slow first mile so you can imagine my surprise when I clocked a 9:54. 10:15 was my goal. Pull back, I thought to myself, don't go out too fast.

The first waterstop was a mess, almost like the poor volunteers weren't quite ready for us yet. I decided to skip it. The next few miles passed in a blur while the crowd thinned out and we found our rhythm.

Mile 2: 9:30
Mile 3: 9:22
Mile 4: 9:26

At mile 5 I took my first gel and inhaled as much water as I could without choking or stopping. I knew it was early in the race but I thought if I could hold on to that pace, I would shatter my time goal.

Mile 5: 9:48
Mile 6: 9:44

At mile six, we started the long stretch up High Street and the entire thing felt like I was running in a wind tunnel. I swore and cursed the sky. Wind bites. But I decided no amount of wind was going to stop me. I made the wind my bitch and kept plugging away.

Mile 7 & 8: 20:51 (forgot to hit the lap button)

More uphill, more wind. more swearing. Somewhere around here I had to stop and walk for a minute and catch my breath. My heart rate had gotten too high and I needed to regroup.

Mile 9: 9:49
Mile 10: 10:42

Porta potty stop and a quick walk break at mile 10. Only 5k to go. People around me were talking about a 2:10 finish time. I knew I just had to hang on and that 2:10 would be mine. I wanted 2:10 more than I wanted a 2:15. Time to kick it into high gear.

Mile 11: 10:27
Mile 12: 9:22
Mile 13: 8:56!!!!

Finish: 2:10:42

I finished strong and gave hi-fives to little kids in the final stretch. I crossed the finish line knowing I'd given it everything I had and was completely spent. I sat down on a curb with a banana and waited until I was sure I wasn't going to throw up before I went back to the finish line to cheer my dad to his PR of 2:23.

When I ran this same race last year, the main goal was to finish. 13.1 miles was a distance I'd never covered before so no matter what I would be happy at the end. This year, I've done the distance (and then some) so it was all about the time. I woke up Saturday morning unsure if I would be able to hold a 10:15 pace for the entire race and ended up really surprising myself with what I was able to do out there. I know there are things I still need to work on (hills and endurance) but running a 2:10 is a 19 minute improvement in 1 year. Who knows what I'll be able to do one year from now!

Bikram

The top of my foot has been hurting for the last week. It's on the top so I'm worried it's a bone issue rather than a muscle issue, i.e. stress fracture. Could just be a bruise but it's not in my nature to think optimistically. Nevertheless, I've taken the last three days off from running to let it heal as much as possible. The half marathon is a week from Saturday and if I can be really careful with it until then, I think I will still be able to run it and run it well. That puts a huge damper on the Pig though but lets not get ahead of ourselves.

Tonight, instead of running on my tender foot, I went to my Bikram yoga class and sweated my tush off. I love love Love this class and every time I go, I wonder why I don't go more often and then I remember that it's sort of expensive and running is not. But seriously guys, I've mentioned before how awesome this class is so if you are ever looking for something new to try, give it a go. You'll feel relaxed and rejuvenated by the end in a way you might not have expected.

You gotta want it.

If I can pound out another 15.4 miles before Tuesday, I will reach 100 miles for the month of March which is not bad considering I haven't run that many miles in one month since last September and considering one year ago at this time, I ran just over 60 miles for the entire month. I'm feeling pretty good about that. The BT and I ran together a lot this week and the pace was probably a little bit too fast for me, but honestly, I felt ok. The weather has finally taken a turn for the better which has helped immensely.

But, I have to level with you here guys. I'm having second thoughts about committing to run the full marathon again this October. I know, I know. A few months ago I was all gung-ho about it, ready to hit the pavement again and knock a few hours off my time. I've mentioned a few times on this blog that I'm having trouble finding the motivation to train and for a while, I thought it mostly had to do with the season and other things going on in my life. But that lack of motivation hasn't gone away and more than anything, I think about marathon training with dread. And that's NOT THE WAY TO GO. I've always believed that in order to run a marathon, you really have to want to do it. You have to want to get out there and train in the heat and on days you'd really rather just go home. You have to want to skip happy hours with friends because of a scheduled long run in the morning. You have to want to put up with the physical demands it puts on your body and the time it takes away from your family. You have to want that finish line more than anything and I have to say...right now I don't want it that much. I'm not saying that the marathon is definitely out for this year or ever again but that this may not be the time for me to push myself into doing something I don't really want to do just because I think I should.

As I'm training for the two half marathons I have coming up, I'm discovering that I can still have somewhat of a social life with half-marathon training. The long runs don't take up my entire weekend and I don't have to feel guilty for having a few drinks at the end of a long hard week. I think I'm going to stick to half's for a while and maybe revisit the marathon again when I know I really want it.

Survey

1. WHAT TIME DID YOU GET UP THIS MORNING? Around 7, that's when my body natrually wakes up, but it's Saturday so I rolled back over and snoozed for another couple hours.
2. DIAMONDS OR PEARLS? ugg. Neither. tattoos.
3. WHAT WAS THE LAST FILM YOU SAW AT THE CINEMA? that one with Denzel Washington...? Big shoot 'em up movie...? he was a bad guy...can't remember what it was called.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW? The Office, Family Guy, The Biggest Loser, PBS stuff
5. WHAT DO YOU USUALLY HAVE FOR BREAKFAST? cereal. Then my cat drinks the milk and gets sick and leaves presents for mommy to step in when she gets home.

6. WHAT IS YOUR MIDDLE NAME? marie

7. WHAT FOOD DO YOU DISLIKE? too much to mention. almost everything
8. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CD? Grace - Jeff Buckley. Greatest. Album. Evah!
9. WHAT KIND OF CAR DO YOU DRIVE? focus. meh.
11. WHAT CHARACTERISTIC DO YOU DESPISE? lying

12. FAVORITE ITEM OF CLOTHING?

13. IF YOU COULD GO ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD ON VACATION, WHERE WOULD YOU GO? Edinburgh, Scotland. Or anyplace warm with a beach. Ohio sux.
14. LAST TIME YOU LAUGHED OUT LOUD? About 5 minutes ago. <---click it!

15. FAVORITE BRAND OF CLOTHING? Old navy

16. WHERE WOULD YOU RETIRE TO? Gimme a beach.
17. WHAT WAS YOUR MOST MEMORABLE BIRTHDAY? 23 was good. So was 24. And 25. And 26 and 27. 28 sucked but there's always next year.
18. FAVORITE SPORT TO WATCH? FOOTBALL

19. FURTHEST PLACE YOU ARE SENDING THIS? I have no idea who all is going to read this. HI!
20. PERSON YOU EXPECT TO SEND IT BACK FIRST: uh, methinks this was an email.
21. FAVORITE SAYING? "Your mom goes to college" "Whatevs" "I do want I want!"

22. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? 9.19.79
23. ARE YOU A MORNING OR NIGHT PERSON? night owl

24. WHAT IS YOUR SHOE SIZE? 7.5 but I buy shoes that are too big or too small if they are cute and on clearance. I'm a slave to fashion.
25. PETS? kitteh

26. ANY NEW AND EXCITING NEWS YOU WOULD LIKE TO SHARE WITH US? I finally got that popcorn kernel out of my teeth that I've been working on since last night.

27. WHAT DID YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU WERE LITTLE? a rockstar
28. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? poopy
29. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CANDY? DOTS!!!1!
30. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? daisies.
31. WHAT IS A DAY ON THE CALENDAR YOU ARE LOOKING FORWARD TO? April 12th.
32. WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? I'm not telling you, internets!

33. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? my cat falling off the window ledge and through the mini blinds. She's a klutz
34.. LAST THING YOU ATE? this chocolate bunny thing from the BT's parents. the last of the Easter candy. *is sad*

35. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? no, but I did see a couple last weekend out in the country

36. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? green
37. HOW IS THE WEATHER RIGHT NOW? chilly but not a cloud in the sky. It was actually pretty nice in Ohio for once.

38. FAVORITE SOFT DRINK? diet coke is crack
39. FAVORITE RESTAURANT? Hyde Park Grill. yeah, $$$$
40. SIBLINGS? one bro, one sis.
41. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? The first day it really feels like Spring after a long cold winter. Whatever day that is.

42. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? "Audrey" this disgusting ratty doll that I loved to pieces and carried with me everywhere I went.
43. SUMMER OR WINTER? football
44. HUGS OR KISSES? kisses
45. COFFEE OR TEA? coffee, but I do love tea

46. CHOCOLATE OR VANILLA? neither

47. DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO E-MAIL YOU BACK? they better if they know what's good for them, punks! (I talk a lot of smack, I love my buddies)

48. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? Tuesday

49. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? dust bunnies, clothes, tissues, a towel, some pillows...

50. WHO IS THE LONGEST FRIEND YOU HAVE HAD? Sara Cole. We were born two days apart and were placed next to each other in the hospital nursery. Doesn't go much farther back than that!
51. FAVORITE SMELL? burning leaves in the fall, new running shoes, freshly baked chocolate chip cookies
52. WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? rejection, being murdered in the shower, flushing the toilet in the dark (for real, can't do it)

53. SALTY OR SWEET? salty and crunchy

54. HOW MANY KEYS ON YOUR KEY CHAIN? who cares? really?

55. HOW MANY YEARS AT YOUR CURRENT JOB? 4. I can't believe I've lasted this long without going completely postal.
56. FAVORITE DAY OF THE WEEK? Saturday
57. HOW MANY TOWNS HAVE YOU LIVED IN? 3. Columbus, OH, Dublin OH and Edinburgh, Scotland
58. DO YOU MAKE FRIENDS EASILY? No, I'm awkward and standoffish. I don't come out of my shell easily but the friends I do make, I keep around for a long time.

Bullets

The problem with not posting for nearly 2 weeks is that a lot happens that I couldn't possibly sum for you eloquently. Hence another dreaded bullet point list of the most recent events here in my corner of the globe:

• I ran TWO races the weekend of St Patrick's Day.
• Saturday was a 4 miler, time 37:00 on the nose. Quite happy with this one seeing as how I'd indulged in some green beer the night before.
• Sunday was a 5k on a hilly terrible course, time for that one: 28:33. Meh. I'll take it, but only because they gave out some great SWAG. Probably the best I've ever gotten for any race, let alone a 5k. We got a technical t-shirt, 2 sports bottles, a sample of Hammer Gel, electrolyte tabs, and an energy bar, two free movie passes, 35 music downloads, and a St Patrick's Day Luck O' The Irish 5k drinking glass when we crossed the finish line. All in all, not too shabby.
• Things are going along swimmingly with the Boy Toy. No major blips since he reemerged and in fact, I dare say it's going better than ever. (Knock on wood.) He calls when he says he's going to and introduced me to his friends. Yesterday, I went home to meet his family. Mom, dad, brothers, sisters and spouses....everybody. I was nervous as all get out but I think things went ok. His entire family runs so we at least had some easy topics of conversation to cover. I'm not quite sure I'm ready to have him meet my family but that's another topic for another day.

I will post more often. I will post more often. I will post more often.

The big dig

I've managed to dig myself out of the 20 inches of snow that was dumped on C-bus over the weekend and resume life as usual. There's still these disgusting piles of snow everywhere that are so dirty that they're black, but otherwise, the big meltdown is underway. I even saw patches of grass today in spots.

Needless to say, my planned long run of 10 miles at a 10:53 pace on Saturday turned in to 10 miles at about an 11:30 pace on Sunday. I was just happy to be out of the house finally and glad to get the 10 miles in at all. The roads were a mess but not too many cars out so I pretty much just ran down the middle of the main road up and down about a zillion times until my Garmin said 10 miles. I got plenty of strange looks but whateves, I got it done.

I'm running with the Boy Toy tomorrow. This is surprising because I'd sort of written him off after he mysteriously disappeared for about two weeks. Seriously. Not a word since the end of February. Well, I was understandably pissed and not about to waste my precious time playing that game. He resurfaced today out of the blue and we had words. He fell all over himself apologizing and gave a pretty good reason for falling off the face of the earth, but I'm not about to let him off that easily for NOT CALLING. That's just unacceptable. Right?

Blizzard

Everyone else is doing it

I've seen this on about 87 other blogs this week and since I am completely unoriginal and like to steal things... here's mine:

I'm taking a mental health long weekend at the moment. No working until next Tuesday, which means no communication of any kind with any co-workers, bosses, employees, cubical monkeys and NO CHECKING WORK EMAIL FOR ANY REASON WHATSOEVER. The next four days are mine to try and figure out what I'm going to do with myself and how I'm going to get out of there. Causing a scene a la Jerry McGuire appeals to me, however I'm trying to do the responsible adult thing and have a back up plan. So far, the following ideas have crossed my mind:

• regrow my beard and join the circus with some of my midget babies
• sell everything I own and go live under the bridge at 3rd and Olentangy
• become a lady of the night and sell my body for crack
• take this whole "running" thing pro

Speaking of running, despite how crap everything else is in my life at the moment, I've been running pretty well this week. I ran 3 miles on Monday and Tuesday. On Wednesday I did 4 x 1600m at a 8:34 pace which almost killed me. I ended up with a honking blister on the ball of each foot which kept me from running yesterday. The cause of the blisters was my own stupidity. Cheep socks. Tomorrow, weather pending, I will do 10 miles at a 10:39 pace. April 12th is going to be a PR in a big way. I can feel it. I'm going for 2:15, you heard it here first.

Pierced

I did this to myself this afternoon:

Well, technically, Mike down at Pierceology did it but I paid him to do it. Why? you might ask. I think this question might best be answered by a reenactment of a conversation I had with Myself shortly after my Monday Meltdown.

Myself: Everything sucks.

I: Yeah, I know.

Myself: I hate my job.

I: Yeah

Myself: And my boss

I: Totally, she's a douche.

Myself: And things are probably over with the Boy Toy.

I: You were too good for him anyway.

Myself: And it's going to be February for the rest of my life.

I: Probably is.

Myself: I want to do something crazy.

I: Crazy?
Myself: Yeah, like irrational and rebellious and impulsive!

I: Like what?

Myself: Like go all Brittany and shave my head.

I: Or....?

Myself: Or quit my job and sell everything I own on e-bay and become a vagabond.

I: Or...?

Myself: Or get that piercing I've been talking about for years.

I: Now you're talkin'

Myself: Yeah! Stick it to 'The Man'!

So, I took Myself down to the piercing place and got some holes poked in my head. Rational? No. Wise? Of course not. Necessary? Absolutely.

This is not my first piercing by any means. I've already got 3 holes in each ear, I had my tongue pierced in 1997 and I just took that one out about 6 months ago because I had a teeth cleaning and never bothered to put it back in. Bummer. I also had my nose pierced in 2002 to but had to take it out for some job I was doing at the time. This is my subtle way of telling 'The Man' that an earring is not going to affect how well I am able to do my job. That no 'corporation' is going to tell me what I can and cannot do with my own ear. Sure it's unprofessional, but so am I! This 8-5 job is a paycheck, not a lifestyle

February is the cruelest month

I've been a bad blogger. It's been a week since my last post. My apologies. But in my defense I've been busy with the Boy Toy and I had a house guest over the weekend and a mental breakdown on Monday...so all that doesn't leave much time for blogging, let alone running. On Saturday morning I ran 9 miles on the TM at a 10:53 pace which was incredibly dull but the roads were waaaaay to icy to risk breaking my neck. I skipped an easy 4 miler on Monday on account of the mental breakdown (and, as an aside, if you should ever happen to break down sobbing in your boss's office at noon on a grey and depressing Monday morning in the middle of February and she asks "Do you have the flu?" just say yes already and take a few days off.)

Today I did 7 miles, again on the treadmill of doom. But this was a tempo run so I did a warm up mile then 5 miles at a 9:22 pace and a cool down mile. This was pretty good actually. Surprisingly. Seeing as how it was on the treadmill and how I just didn't want to do it and I want it to be Spring and what did I ever do to Ohio to piss it off and crap all over the place? Huh? Anybody else sick of winter?? I think I have cabin fever. Or the winter blues. Or SAD, which by the way, is just a really twisted acronym for the syndrome. I sort of want to strangle the clever genius that came up with that one. Jerks.

Clearly, I'm having a tough time getting my s*** together this week.

You've lost that lovin' feeling

I'm trying to fall in love with running all over again. Ever since I crossed the finish line of the marathon in October, my motivation has been in the toilet. For nearly 2 years, I poured all of my focus and energy into 26.2 measly miles without much thought as to what might come after.

I fear I've lost that spark.

Maybe it's just the winter blah's or I'm still feeling sluggish after my recent illness, but I don't feel as driven as I did a year ago. I don't obsess over the forecast or the course maps, I don't frequent online forums like I once did. Not every thought that goes through my brain is related to the marathon. I even let my Runner's World magazine subscription expire and didn't bother to renew it.

I guess what I'm getting at here it that I'm re-learning how to love this sport without the mystique of the marathon looming somewhere in the distance. I'm re-learning how to love going out for a run for the sake of going out for a run. I'm learning that not every race has to be (or can be) a PR. I'm learning that the marathon is not all there is to running and that running can be a big part of my life, but not all consuming.

So, I head out for an easy 4 in the snow because that's what I do. I'm a runner.

Wellness

Back to the land of the living. I was right, this whole thing took me out a solid two weeks of training. I went out for a run on Saturday morning and only managed 4.5 miles before I had to call it quits. I know I need to ease back into things and I'll get back there eventually but....4.5 miles! Grr. I could tell that all the crap I've been eating has taken its toll and the lack of strength training really messed with my posture and form. Time to get back on the wagon. There's a few 5k's I'd like to sign up for around St Patrick's Day that look pretty fun and might help get me motivated to get out there in the cold. I love running in the cold so much more than the heat but for some reason it's so much harder to get out the door.



The Boy Toy surprised me with flowers and card on V-Day. Normally I am so anti-V Day it's pathetic but we really had a nice time together. I made dinner (spaghetti and meatballs) and we hung out and talked for hours. Here's the problem - I think I kinda like him. Horrifying, I know. But if I like him, then the potential for getting hurt is greater and I'm not really down with that. It's been so long since I've been in a relationship I can't really remember how it's supposed to go. He's smart and funny and really really cute and he makes me laugh and brings me flowers. He's bad with the phone and horrible with money. He loves his family and is great with kids. He would probably lose his head if it wasn't attached...but I like him. This is terrifying.

In sickness

I've been on my death bed for the last week with tonsillitis. Although, I'm pretty sure no one in this modern age has died from the virus, I was pretty sure I was going to be the first. Last Monday and Tuesday I had a fever and on Wednesday I gave myself food poisoning. I spent the day huddled over the toilet pretty sure I was going to spit out a tonsil at any second. Thursday I flew to Florida with my mom where I spent most of the vacation we've been planning for 6 months in the hotel bed watching episodes of My Big Redneck Wedding. At least she got some beach time.

And here I find myself a week later, finally able to swallow without kicking something, although there's still all that nasty white gunk covering the back of my throat. I'm super hot. I figure this whole thing is going to take me out of a solid two weeks of training for my half marathon on April 12th.

At least my foot is better.

Stupid Kate

I had to cut my scheduled 9 mile long run down to 6 due to my stupid bum foot. It's been fine and feeling great for the last two weeks or so but Saturday morning I decided to be an idiot and run on a solid sheet of black ice and slipped and rolled my ankle. Stupidkatestupidkatestupidkate. The pain is in the exact same spot as before so instead of being even stupider and stubborn and finishing the remaining three miles, I cut my losses and went home to RICE. Luckily, I think I avoided doing too much damage and its still early in my training schedule so I don't think it will put me off too much. Stupid kate!

In other, non-running related news, I'm still swooning over my boy-toy (I called him this to my mother and she about had a fit, I think it's hilarious). Friday night he took me out for Thai food, then for coffee, then we wandered around this little booksotre called The Book Loft. The store has tons of tiny little rooms that twist and wind around endlessly, packed to the ceiling with every book imaginable. I love the charachter and the originality of places like this. Really makes places like B&N feel pretty soulless. We meanderend through the little cubbys, dancing around each other and pointing out book after book after book that we loved for what ever reason. I could have stayed there forever. Eventually. though, they had to close and kicked us out onto the street.

We continued the date at my house where he sat transfixed at my massive book collection (it is a little obscene) and said I could give The Book Loft a run for their money. He showed me his one and only tattoo, his first marathon time on his arm. I swooned. We talked for a little while longer then I kicked him out so I could get to bed. He gave me a kiss and drove off into the night. *sigh* Probably, the best date I've ever had...

More dates

It's going well with the boy. My head is in the clouds for the most part but with one or two toes still firmly planted on earth. He's not perfect by any means (who is?) and I'm trying to not let myself get carried away. It's only been a week and a half after all.

I've been having some great runs here lately. I'm not sure if it's because I seem to run better in the cold or if it's because the time passes by so quickly when you have a running partner that you're trying to look cute for (tee hee). Either way, my 1/2 training is coming along swimmingly. I do have to admit that I'm slacking a little on the cross training but that's only because I find those machines at the gym so daggon boring! I've even loaded up my ipod with all kinds of new interesting stuff to listen too, but it doesn't matter. As soon as I get on the elliptical I immediately want to get off. Maybe I should find some other form of cross training, huh? Now there's a novel idea!

Date #2

We met at the same spot as Tuesday's run but only did a short and easy 3 miles. I was still a little stiff from last night's grueling tempo workout on the TM and I want Saturday's long run to go well. I found out that Tuesday wasn't a fluke; it was relaxed and easy and, most importantly, a lot of fun. He's silly and funny and...we're meeting for a "real" date this weekend. One where we wear normal street clothes and don't have to worry about wiping snot off our faces. Pardon me while I drift off to la-la land. I won't mind if you gag, I would if I were you. I'll shut up about him now!

In other news, I dragged my best girlfriend with me to see Spirit of the Marathon tonight and I loved it. I've been anticipating it's release for a long time so I was thrilled when it was announced that it would finally be showing, if only for one night. All 3 movie theaters that were playing it sold out so I'm glad I got tickets ahead of time. And bless my wonderful BFF for coming along to watch it with me. Another person I've long since added to my list of "Most Supportive People Ever".

The Date

I had butterflies in my stomach all day, annoying my co-workers to my slight pleasure. We agreed to meet at a popular running path, one that I am familiar with like the back of my hand. I told my mom and my close girlfriends where I was, what I was wearing and when I expected to be back...just in case. As an aside, its sort of sad that we have to think of these things but this is the world we live in I suppose. But, none of that was necessary because it actually went pretty great! As soon as we got our feet moving, we fell into a comfortable pace (well, a little fast for me, near power-walking speed for him!) and into a comfortable conversation. There was talk of books, movies, art, friends, running....all the typical safe first date topics. It was easy, and I'm not usually a person for whom conversation comes naturally. As I told one of my girlfriends later, running is something I'm very comfortable doing and feel the most like myself. To do this as a date took away all the awkward I-don't-know-what-I-should-be-doing-with-my-hands feeling I so often get on first dates.

I was relaxed and mostly un-awkward. He was funny and really cute and we're meeting again tomorrow!

Weird 48

It's been a strange weekend. Full of things happening to me that never happen to me. My life is so undramatic it's pathetic, and usually this is the way I like it, but I had some drama this weekend, all of it...well, good. I'm telling you, this kind of stuff never happens to me.

• my car broke down in the middle of rush hour traffic. While this might appear to be a bad thing, the auto mechanic told me the problem was covered under a recall. I got a brand new fuel pump installed for free, and it only took about 2 hours. This kind of thing never happens to me. Whenever I take my car in, I assume it will cost $1,000 and be in the shop for a week. That way I'm pleasantly surprised with anything less. I know, eternal optimist, right?

• I talked to this guy for the first time in about 2 years. I think I was calm and collected, but who really knows. The strange thing is that he's been on the forefront of my mind for the last week, even more so than usual. I've blogged about him and even seen him in my dreams. And then, there he was. He initiated the conversation (I never would) and I actually responded with some degree of intelligence. This never happens. I've been known to stuff creamers down my shirt or run away screaming when a boy I like says "Hello." The fact that I was able to form a complete sentence, not once but many times, means progress on my end. He liked my shoes.

• I have a date. This never happens. I never get hit on or asked out, no one ever flirts with me ever. I think I give off an unapproachable vibe anyway and I really don't think I'm much to look at so when I met this guy and he asked for my number, I wrote it down for him without much hope. But for some reason, he called the next day. A sinking pit of dread formed in my stomach as we talked. He's going to ask me out for dinner, I thought, and I'll be all awkward and embarrassed at myself and it will be a total failure and no one will ever love me and I'm going to die alone and my cat will starve so she'll eat my face and I'll be the pathetic old lady who's cat ate her face. But to my surprise he said, "Would you like to get together for a run this week?" Swoon.

I feel confident that my car will start when I want it too, I can say "Hello" to the man I've been admiring from afar for far too long without running away screaming, and I have a date. Can you believe it???

'ello laddie

I've just returned from an awesome 7.33 miler on the bike path. It started out not so great as it was FREEZING and my dad, bless his heart, has started wearing goofy hats on our long runs. This is the one he wore today:

Tell me that's not embarrassing! And there were tons of people out there. Gah! But, to his credit, he sure knows how to make long and cold runs a lot of fun. My bum foot was pretty stiff for the first mile or two but it eventually loosened up and didn't give me much trouble at all. I took Thursday and Friday off so I was pretty antsy to get out there this morning. I finished the run feeling great and ready to add on some more mileage.

As for my weight loss plateau, I've decided to take the advice of Lynn-e and start keeping a log of everything I put in my mouth. Every breadcrumb, sunflower seed and M&M counts starting this morning. I just need to get over this hump.

Plateau

I've hit The Wall. The weightloss wall, that is. I lost those annoying 20lbs pretty quickly in the months following the marathon, even with Christmas and Thanksgiving shoved in there. But now? The scale hasn't moved in about 4 weeks and I'm both running and eating well. It's extremely annoying.

So, anyone have any advice for overcoming this? I don't want to run any more miles than are on my schedule for fear of injury (bum foot) but I'm not opposed to doing more cardio if need be. I could throw in another day of weight training (doing that 2x a week now) but I have a hunch the problem and solution lies with my eating habits. I *think* I'm eating well but I have no real record or proof. How many calories should I be eating a day anyway? I rarely eat fast food or cheesy poofs or other junk that will send me to an early grave. But maybe I'm not being careful enough. I still have some excess tonnage I want to get rid of before summer. Grr!